This is a next to impossible thing for me to write about, so I will.
If you know me online, you may by now be familiar with my public persona of three parts goofball, one part troublemaker. No? Really?
Here’s a couple of recent examples to illustrate:
1) There’s a delightful and semi-suggestive photo of me licking a cakepop, taken in LA in summer of 2011 by a wonderful photographer friend of mine, @photo, a.k.a. Mike O’Donnell. I love to re-trot out this now ever-so-slightly infamous picture in the online twitter hashtag chat, #usguys. I once provided this photo for a public slideshow presentation by @josepf. Professionalism? #whatev
2) I do impulsive things regularly, like, oh… you know. Email the company medium.com and tell them that I want to work for them. Sometimes interesting things happen, like I get an email back from Evan Williams 😉 Now, it’s not like I got hired because of this behavior. No doubt it gets filed under “crazy lady!” But… I do this sort of thing.
3) When I am present, I interact a lot with well-known bloggers and social media personalities when I can, and inevitably, I kid around with them as much as possible. Gini Dietrich of Spin Sucks is more than familiar by now with my antics, as evidenced by today’s post featuring DJ Waldow. This is a snippet of the comments section, where I as usual invent some crazy hashtaggery:
Alright. Point taken. I’m a goofball. So what is all of this evidence about, other than showing off that I like to goof around and write strange emails and that I spend an inordinate amount of my life being silly online?
Stay with me, please.
So, allow me to let you in on a little, not-so-secret, secret. Like many comedians, I suspect, the thin layer of goofery covers a very earnest and serious core. I’m actually a deeply thoughtful person behind scenes. Some of that thought lately centers around this notion of “being called.” Now, for years, I have happily inhabited the lovely land of rational atheism, cheerful skepticim, and practical ethics. Although I openly affiliate with the Unitarian Universalist church, I am not much of a church-goer for the moment.
However, attentive facebook friends might notice that my Spotify stream of late looks a bit like this:
Come to the River, my friends, is a song by Christian artists, the Rhett Walker Band. Ah Spotify, where I out myself as listening to religious music fairly regularly. (Also Squirrels in My Pants, but you know. Doesn’t everyone?)
I’ve long been in a struggle with spirituality, and if there’s any kidding involved, it’s to cover a very deeply troubled heart.
There’s no getting around it, folks. I’m being called. Deeply, viscerally, and constantly. The hardest thing I think I’ve ever faced in my life is this: I’m being called and I don’t know how to answer. I’ve not been able to answer. Not yet.
But soon, I’ll have a real opportunity to answer that call. I can’t discuss it yet, but next week, I’ll be making an announcement. It may be silly, but it will also be serious. When the time comes for me to dance to my inner drummer, I will need a lot of help.
So if I kid around an extra bit for the next few weeks, keep in mind that nothing is as simple as it seems. I may be goofy, and my life may be a bit of a mess. I’m not always present. I’m not sure where I’m going.
Are you still with me? Great. Hold my hand, please!